


To Create a Firework From Dynamite

by Tamasha



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, BAMF Morgana, Depression, Dirty Dancing, Explicit Language, F/M, Feels, Fight Sex, Fights, Friends With Benefits, Gay, Happy Ending, Humor, Kissing, Love, M/M, Male Slash, Male-Female Friendship, Masturbation, Modern Era, Pansexual Character, Past Relationship(s), Relationship(s), Romance, Sad, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Teasing, slut!Gwaine, so much fucking angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-04-19 03:46:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4731719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamasha/pseuds/Tamasha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Percival, while fighting his depression, is trying to get back into the swing of things, so he lets Lance drag him out for a party. Gwaine just wants a good fuck. It was supposed to be just a one night stand, but these two seem irrevocably drawn together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> written by Tamara
> 
> (TRIGGER WARNING for suicidal thoughts and attempted suicide!)

The darkness filled the room like black coffee overfilling a mug. It was too early for sleep, but Percival didn’t want to do anything else but lie in bed. Rolling to his side, he felt his body move, but his mind stayed where it always was: away. It wandered to a lost time when Percival was possibly happy. But this wasn’t an actual time in Percival’s life, it was just some made-up idea in his head. Something he had always longed for, but was never able to make a reality. His childhood had been like any other, maybe a bit more screaming than some, but really it was pretty typical. This ‘happy’ time in his life was something that, over time, Percival had grown accustomed to missing. As a child, it started as a hope for the future, but as Percival got older, the hope grew to a nostalgia - maybe more of a nostalgia for the hope he once had - but regardless, now he was simply left empty, wishing to go back to a time that didn’t exist.

His phone buzzed and Percival covered his ears, hoping to block out the disturbing vibrations. Of course he forgot to silence it; he always did when he tried to sleep early. It buzzed again with another text. Maybe someone needed something. Maybe it was Percival’s boss, or someone he needed to respond to. Straining to force his eyes to adjust, Percival read the blurry text from Lancelot. “Hey, are you coming tonight?” The second one read, “Morgana says it’s required.”

Percival sat up. He had forgotten he had agreed to go out tonight for Morgana's birthday. He didn’t particularly like Morgana, but she was not the kind of person Percival wanted to cross. No that she would actually care if Percival was there or not, but he had agreed to go. He heaved his chest, forcing air into his lungs. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if he went out. It wasn’t like he was going to be getting any sleep anyhow. Then again, he really didn’t want to go through the motions of getting ready and actually going out. Really none of it sounded appealing.

His phone buzzed again. This time it was Merlin: “Hope to see you tonight. I’m really looking forward to it.” It had to be Merlin to convince him to go. Ever since Lancelot started dating Gwen four months ago, Percival had been dragged to so many random outings with her group of friends. Gwen’s best friend was Morgana, whose brother was Arthur, who was married to Merlin. There were several other “regulars” to this group, but Percival had trouble keeping up. Merlin was really the only one who Percival enjoyed hanging out with. He got on with the others well enough, but Merlin seemed to be the only one to make an actual effort at these parties.

With another deep sigh, Percival decided he would go. Hopefully he would be able to convince himself to have a good time, for once. He didn’t want to sit off to the side alone, like he normally did; it just happened. In part, this was because Percival was quiet and liked keeping to himself, but it also had a lot to do with this particular group. Despite Arthur fighting with his two sisters - a lot - they were, in fact, really close; all of their friends meshed pretty well together. In truth, they were all very inviting people, so Percival’s apprehensiveness was probably only in his own mind. There was no reason to feel nervous around any of them.

Percival pulled himself from his bed and made his way to his closet. He fumbled around a bit, refusing to switch on the light. It wasn’t like tonight was any different. Percival always felt like this. He managed to keep a job and a relatively active social life in this state of mind, tonight was just another night. He didn’t want to baby himself any longer. The best way to beat this would be to just go out and forget about it. Or at least that’s what Percival hoped for. He hoped that tonight would make him forget about his loneliness. Forget about his emptiness. And maybe, just maybe, he would actually have a good night.

 

^_^

 

Gwaine popped his collar. Just the kind of place Morgana would pick. Perfect. The girl did have taste, Gwaine could give her that. Loud music and beautiful people dancing everywhere. It would take some time to find the entire group. Merlin and Arthur would, no doubt, be as close to the door as possible in case the babysitter called. Morgana would have dragged Leon to the dance floor; how he put up with her was still a mystery. Morgause would be taking Cenred’s attention away from Gwaine, but Gwaine was determined to turn that around by the end of the night. Gwen would be with her new boyfriend Lancelot, the dummy Arthur worked with. They went on one double date with Merlin and Arthur and ever since they had been attached at the hip. It sickened Gwaine. It had nothing to do with the fact that Gwaine had slept with Gwen three nights before she met Lance. Truly, it didn’t.

Gwaine pushed his way through the crowd and tapped Morgana on the back. She turned excitedly to him, waving her hands about like the maniac she was. She was already wasted. Perfect. “My dear Gwaine! How are you, darling?” She was acting far too pleasant to be sober.

“Fine, sweet cheeks. Happy birthday!” Gwaine hugged her affectionately. Maybe too affectionately, because Leon’s hand stopped Gwaine’s path southward. “What? It’s her birthday!” Gwaine protested. Leon just scowled down at Gwaine, trying to convey his dominance. They both knew how harmless Gwaine was, but Leon liked to pretend he wore the pants in the relationship, occasionally. “We are good, Jumbo,” Gwaine piped happily, further insisting that Leon had nothing to worry about.

Leon finally broke and smiled at Gwaine. “Get over here, you little jerk.” He hugged him tightly and patted his head gently. “Just stay away from her, okay?”

Gwaine nodded, but they both knew how useless that request was. “You got it, mate.” The song changed, and Gwaine threw his hands up in the air, “Let’s dance!” He pulled Morgana by both hands and moved her into position for a dance, while Leon assumed a threatening stance. Truthfully, Gwaine was helpless against her fine ass so Leon’s attempts of control were futile.

After a few songs, and several innocent dances with Morgana, Gwaine moved to the bar, hopeful that he could get some real action tonight. Just as he had expected, Morgause was talking to Cenred. He was Gwaine’s booty call, Morgause knew that. And Morgause had been getting some from Gwaine on demand pretty much since high school. So it was just weird to see them flirting when Gwaine knew how they both were in bed. They would be alright together, but who would Gwaine go home with tonight? He scanned the bar.

Next to Lance was a very muscular, extremely handsome, man. Thick and tan, with a hint of innocence in his eyes, just the way Gwaine liked them. Upon closer inspection, Gwaine realized that he had met this man before. Percival, was it? But Gwaine was too close to stop approaching their spot at the bar. He had to say hi now.

“Lance, buddy. How’s it going?” The burly man next to Lance shifted uneasily at Gwaine's greeting. He was certainly a looker, but he would be a challenge. Gwaine liked a challenge. “Hey there, honey. We’ve met, have we not?”

“Um, yes. I’m Percival.” Even his voice was like sex to Gwaine’s ears. What was it about this man that drew Gwaine in? And how had he missed all this before? “Percival. That’s adorable. I’m going to call you Percy.”

“Please don’t,” he protested meekly.

There was no way Gwaine was going to call him anything but ‘Percy’ now. “Oh, it’s already done, my boy. Now when are we going to have that dance?”

“What dance?” He had a sad little look on his face that Gwaine was determined to turn into a coquettish one by the end of the night.

Gwaine grabbed Percival’s hands, ignoring Lance’s confused look. “Let’s go, darling.”

 

^_^

 

For some godforsaken reason, Percival actually agreed to dance with Gwaine Orkney. Really, it was a mistake, but Percival hoped that since he was aware of this, it wouldn’t actually lead to anything regrettable. Gwaine had a reputation, to say the least. His friends all loved him for it, but Percival was put off by it a bit. Not that he thought there was anything wrong with sleeping around, it was just that Gwaine didn’t ever look back. He didn’t seem like the type of person to actually care for anyone but himself. Percival didn’t see much good in Gwaine Orkney. It would be a wise idea to keep his distance.

But wow, Gwaine was a good dancer.

Percival hated him mostly in this moment because all Gwaine’s moves were actually working on him. He was aware of how corny and ridiculous they were, yet Percival found himself slightly turned on by it all. His hair didn’t help. Gwaine did have some nice hair, long and soft. The kind you just wanted to pull -

It was just hair. Percival never thought that someone like Gwaine would catch him so easily. It was silly, because everything Percival was feeling was purely physical. Then again, it was only physical, so he had no reason to feel bad about it. Plus, he was just dancing. That’s all. He did want to have a good time tonight, and he was - he had to admit - doing just that.

A few drinks in, Percival started to lose any uneasiness he felt towards Gwaine. He let go of his doubts and began to relax. Perhaps it was a mistake; maybe Percival should have stopped after one dance, but Gwaine knew just how to lure him back in. This was not the way Percival had expected the night to turn out, but he wasn’t exactly going to fight it either. He needed to feel something for a change, even if it was only for one night. At least it would be one less night of sleeplessness and self-loathing. Though, no doubt, Percival would wake up the next morning feeling just that. But no, Percival had to live in the moment. For now, this would have to do, because otherwise Percival would be sitting by the door with Arthur and Merlin, waiting for an excuse to leave.

 

^_^

 

Percival's perky ass was flawless and firm, fitting perfectly in Gwaine’s hands - and elsewhere. It rubbed fantastically against Gwaine in a way that drove him mad. His magnificently sculpted body was rigid with dense, strong muscles. His moves were altogether meticulous and sporadic. Somehow, he stole all of Gwaine’s attention. Cenred and Morgause left his mind entirely; even Gwen and her irrelevant boyfriend did not occupy Gwaine’s mind in the way they normally did. Tonight was about this new adventure. A new conquest. Something unknown and mysterious. Tonight would be about Percival and his juicy lips.

Gwaine had got him dancing, and got him drunk; now came the fun bit. Percival was (despite his initial apprehensiveness) indeed enjoying himself. Gwaine could make the man moan absurdly just with a simple caress. He was like putty in Gwaine’s hands. After some dancing, they found themselves a table at the edge of the dance floor. Percival was slightly out of breath, and smiling like a mad man. It didn’t take long before Gwaine was straddling him, pulling hungrily at his lips. He was in. The rest of the night would be cake; Percival was too eager for it not to be.

The club was dying out a bit and most of the party had left anyway. Gwaine was still enjoying Percival when Leon and Morgana came to say goodbye. Morgana winked at Gwaine before leaving, nodding enthusiastically and eying Percival with approval. Not that Gwaine needed her approval, but in this case, he totally agreed with her - he had himself a good catch tonight.

 

^_^

 

Percival woke quickly. It was still dark out, but enough light was seeping through the window to allow him to realize he was not in his own bed. He sat up with a moan and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. There was a man lying next to Percival, on his stomach, hugging a pillow. Gwaine Orkney. Shit.

The room was a mess and somewhere in the clutter was Percival’s clothing. He wondered if he would be successful in gathering his things and dressing without waking Gwaine. Percival crawled to the end of the bed, while Gwaine shifted groggily. The last thing Percival wanted was to face his mistake this morning. He just wanted to leave and forget that it all had happened. If Gwaine woke up, then so be it; Percival just needed to get out of there. He found his clothes quickly and yanked them on.

Before opening the door, Percival took one last look at his alcohol-induced misjudgment. He looked almost innocent lying there, naked. When Percival closed the door behind him, there was a brief second when he felt a pang of disappointment pass through him. He ignored it unsuccessfully. It wasn’t that he wanted to stay with Gwaine any longer, it was just that it would have been nice to at least get a chance to say goodbye.

 

^_^

 

The bed was empty when Gwaine awoke. It normally was. Most of Gwaine’s partners weren’t the type to stay long, and the ones that did were, well, they were not important. Gwaine sat up and looked at the empty space between him and the wall. It would have been good to see his face one more time, or at least his gorgeous body. Damn was Percival fine. And fuck if that wasn’t the best sex he had had in a long time.

Gwaine was drunk last night, yes, but he was sober enough to remember every detail about it. And shit it was good. The sun was falling through the window, stumbling about the room making Gwaine remember that he did, in fact, have to go to work today. Luckily, being a freelance interior designer meant that he could show up whenever the fuck he felt like. So he wasn’t really in a rush. He wanted to enjoy the memory of last night for a moment longer before pulling himself out of bed.

As he stroked himself, the memory of Percival’s body against his own filled him again, with a lust that was addicting. Gwaine’s skin tingled as he remembered all the places that Percival had touched him last night. The smooth roundness of his ass against Gwaine, his lips kissing him in so many places, his strong hands taking control of every moment. Gwaine’s movements became rough and fast more quickly than normal. With one last thought of Percival’s thick cock, Gwaine came with an uninhibited moan. Then he lay in oblivion for a while, but when he came to, his thoughts were still on Percival.

Gwaine was good at sex, but Percival had mastered it. Normally Gwaine was the one leaving the other completely satisfied. He was proud of how good he had gotten at figuring out exactly how to please someone, but Percival. Percival was a fucking god in bed. Gwaine was the one left breathless and wanting more, which was not something he was used to.

Suddenly, his phone went off with the personalized ringtone for the ‘lady’ Morgana. “Hello, Dearie,” Gwaine purred, forcing himself to focus on the present.

“So, Percival Lot, huh? He’s a looker, but you know he’s Lancelot’s best friend, right?” Morgana didn’t actually seem worried, but she was definitely one to want to be in on all the gossip. And she knew she could get it out of Gwaine, because he would tell her anything.

“So? Lance is inconsequential. He has nothing to do with it.” What would Lance have to do with anything? Gwaine hated the guy.

Morgana was serious, “I know he doesn’t, but maybe Gwen does?”

“Morgana...” Not this again. Morgana had gotten it into her head that Gwaine actually had developed feelings for Gwen. He slept with her one fucking time.

“What? I’m just saying. You have been acting really weird since they started dating, and if this is some roundabout way to try and get back at her -”

“It’s not. Percy was just… He was available. That’s it.” Gwaine hated when Morgana tried to tell him how he felt. He hated to be told anything, but most of the time, as upsetting as it was, Morgana was right. She knew Gwaine too well.

Morgana chuckled. “So we’re calling him Percy now?”

“It was just a joke,” Gwaine growled.

She laughed again, knowing she had all the right buttons at her fingertips to press in order to make Gwaine squirm. “Alright, well if you insist it had nothing to do with Gwen, then I believe you.”

“Good.”

She waited for Gwaine to continue, “So?”

“What?”

“How was it?” The damn nosey little bitch had to know every detail about his life.

But Gwaine loved her for it. “Fucking incredible. There is but one god in the universe and that is Percival: the Sex God.”

“That good?” Morgana actually seemed impressed.

“Better. Holy shit. I’m going to have to get me a slice of that on the regular.” And he was serious, Gwaine was already wanting more of Percival.

Morgana was content with Gwaine’s response. “Well I’m sure he’ll be around.”

“I hope so. Hot fucking damn do I hope so.” It was easy for the two of them to slip right back into a casual conversation, even if it was just about good sex. That was one thing Gwaine liked about Morgana, she didn’t judge him for his “whoring ways”, as she liked to call it.

“God, you are such a pig.” Though she did pretend like she had more self-respect than he did.

Gwaine happily accepted her taunts, as always. “Oink, oink. Baby wants some bacon.”

His friend laughed on the other end. “What does that even mean? If you were a pig, why would you want bacon?”

“Shut up.”

“Well, you have fun with your new little fuck-buddy.” Morgana was already bored of the conversation, and so was Gwaine. They were in-sync in that way, always not giving a fuck at the exact same time.

She really was his best friend, no one understood him the way she did. “Oh, I will. Bye, babe.” But that was what Gwaine was afraid of.

“Bye, sweetie.” Gwaine watched the call end on his phone. He loved that he had such a good friend in Morgana, but he didn’t like how much she was in his head. He had not actively slept with Percival to get back at Gwen, but now that Morgana had brought it up, Gwaine wondered how much of his actions actually did have to do with Gwen. Fucking shit. He had a good time with Percival. It was that simple. He had only slept with Gwen once; she didn’t mean anymore to him than any of the others he had slept with. It was just sex. That’s it.

Gwaine looked back at the space beside him. If it really was just sex, why did he feel so empty?

 

^_^

 

The kids were at recess, and Percival was left with an empty classroom, and a seemingly endless stack of papers to grade. The fourth graders were tiring him out more than usual. It could have been because he was still very hung-over, but Percival was convinced they knew just how to wear him out on the exact wrong days. The stack of papers in front of him seemed to grow before his eyes. There was a lot to do, but as his tasks kept piling up, Percival was more inclined to put them off.

Only three more hours, then Percival could crawl back into bed and forget about the dreadful night he had last night. Well, the night itself wasn’t entirely dreadful, but he sure felt bad about the decisions he had made. It was just one night, he didn’t need to worry about it any longer, and it certainly didn’t concern Gwaine. As long as Percival kept it as a one time thing, there was no need to feel guilty about it. Percival had really enjoyed the whole sex part of it. Gwaine knew how to please a man. He certainly had a lot of practice, and boy did it pay off. So the night had not been a flop entirely. At least there was that.

The bell sounded, sending the kids back to the classroom. They trickled in, reminding Percival of why he was here. He did, truthfully, love his job. He loved the kids, and he really enjoyed teaching others. His kids made him feel like he was doing something right. Even in the midst of all Percival’s problems, all of his mistakes, and one night stands, he was still doing something that mattered. That thought is what kept him going. The love he had for teaching was enduring.

As he started up class again, Percival felt some happiness build in him. The feeling did not arise often, but as he reconsidered his life, just for a moment, he did feel content. It might not last long. But for now, Percival enjoyed the feeling. There were things to concern himself with other than Gwaine Orkney. Sleeping with him didn’t change anything about Percival’s life, so he didn’t need to think on it any longer. 


	2. Chapter 2

Two weeks after Morgana’s birthday they always celebrated Morgause’s. Since they were twins they shared a birthday, but both hated sharing the attention. They never had a party on the same day. The entire group went along with the fabrication that Morgause’s birthday was two weeks after Morgana’s. It was mostly out of respect for the girls, but really they accepted any excuse for them to party. Morgana always celebrated a week before the day they were born, and Morgause the week after. That’s how they had done it since they could talk. Since they could argue, really.

Arthur offered to host Morgause’s party this year. She saw herself as a much more classy lady than her sister. It wasn’t true, but that’s how she wanted to be seen, so she wanted to have a formal dinner party. Their entire family was well off, but Arthur had the nicest place because he was actually practical about his money. Gwaine had a lot of respect for him. They had been friends before Gwaine met Morgana, but once Gwaine and Morgana got in a room together the two of them became much better friends. Then, it wasn’t long before Arthur met Merlin, and after that Arthur didn’t exist anymore, it was always Arthur and Merlin. Which was fine and all, but the two of them really were obsessed with the other.

The house was decorated with gold and white; everything looked beautiful. Arthur was totally a puppet to his sisters. They could get him to agree to anything. The house was decorated far too nicely, but it was worth it because even Gwaine was impressed. The butler took Gwaine’s coat at the door, and Gwaine immediately made his way to the living room. The only people who were there so far were Morgause, Cenred, Morgana, Leon, Arthur and Merlin.

“Happy birthday, Morgause!” It was too quiet in the house for Gwaine’s liking, so he had to fix that.

Morgana tried to trip Gwaine as he went to hug her sister, but he was too quick for her. “Thanks, Gwaine,” Morgause chuckled, as her sister straightened herself out, acting as if nothing happened.

“How are you doing, Gwaine?” Little Merlin was like a shadow to Arthur; Gwaine sometimes forgot that he was his own person.

Gwaine came to him next and pretended to go in for a hug, but wrapped his arm around Merlin’s neck and mussed his hair. “Great! How are you, little guy?”

He pushed Gwaine off with a sigh. “I’m fine.”

“No babysitter tonight?” Despite hating the idea of being married, Gwaine loved the hell out of Nim and Charlie. That was one thing Arthur and Merlin did right.

Arthur shook Gwaine’s hand. “No. They are around here somewhere. The nanny will take them to bed soon though. You might want to catch them quick.”

The kids were still naive enough to think highly of Gwaine, and he loved that. He also may have loved the fact that he was close enough to the family to be referred to as “Uncle Gwaine”. It melted his heart everytime he heard  them say it. “Hey Charlie, it’s Uncle Gwaine!”

Right on cue the two little twerps came running into the room. Nim was the older brother, nine. He took after Merlin entirely. He was a lanky little pre-teen who had no fat on his body. Charlie was five; she was blonde like Arthur and had an adorable layer of chub that was remnant of her baby fat. She came waddling in behind Nim. “Gwaine! Gwaine!”

Gwaine did his best to keep up his not-giving-a-shit persona, but when he saw these kids, it was useless to keep up. “Hey, you two! Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“We had to see you!” Charlie yelled.

Nim nearly jumped on Gwaine and it didn’t take much to get Gwaine rolling on the floor with them. He had forgotten that he was in a suit for the party. Merlin picked up Charlie and the remaining two followed, getting to their feet. “Glad you guys were still up,” Gwaine panted.

“Now, let’s get you two settled upstairs before the rest of the party shows up.” Arthur was the strict parent.

“Awww, five more minutes,” Nim whined.

“Yeah, Mom. Five more minutes,” Gwaine mimicked, not sure who he was making fun of more, Nim or Arthur.

Merlin chuckled. “Gwaine why don’t you take them up. They don’t need to sleep quite yet, they just need to stay upstairs.”

Gwaine happily took the two of them in his arms and flew them upstairs making ridiculous noises the whole way.

 

^_^

 

Lancelot was probably only forcing Percival to come because he wanted to get him out of the house. Even if Percival shared his reservations to go to this party with Lance, he still would have insisted that Percival come. He took any opportunity to get Percival back on his feet. It was nice, in a way, but it was the least helpful thing he could have done. His constant pestering was making Percival want to retreat more than ever, but he knew Lancelot would not give up. So Percival agreed to go, hoping he could just avoid Gwaine. Or at least pretend like nothing had happened.

They were about half an hour late when they arrived. Lance and Gwen came to pick him up, because otherwise Percival probably would have stayed in bed. After finding some parking, they made their way to Arthur and Merlin's beautiful home. It was too lovely for words, and Percival suddenly felt far too underdressed for the occasion. Inside was even more breathtaking.

The music was loud, and the crowded room made everything seem jumbled together. But everyone was dressed so nicely, it all kind of evened out. Immediately, Gwen and Lancelot left Percival to find some friends. He should have expected it, it always happened; Percival had become accustomed to being alone at these parties anyway. He lingered in the entry hall for a moment, watching some of the guests pass, hoping he would know someone. But of course, he had no such luck.

Percival made his way to the main room where most of the party guests were. He didn’t realize how many people Morgause actually knew. He figured there were plenty of friends of friends, and there was no way she knew all of these people. At last, Percival found Merlin. “Merlin! Hey!”

“Percival! You made it! I didn’t see you much at Morgana’s party. I’m glad you’re here!” For a moment Percival wondered if he knew why he had not seen much of him at Morgana’s party, but then Percival decided it didn’t matter. Even if Merlin did know, Merlin was not the kind of person who would judge, or would even hint at disapproval. He was probably the most understanding person Percival had ever met.

“Here I am. Sorry, the club the other week was so packed, I didn’t really see much of anyone. It’s nice to see you too, Merlin.” Merlin nodded and looked around, probably looking for Arthur. The two of them were certainly the “old-married-couple” of the group, but they happily took on the role. Percival had never seen a love like the one the two of them shared, there was nothing that could dampen the way they felt about each other, and they weren’t ashamed of it. It was something Percival found he really envied.

As if he had read Merlin’s mind, Arthur came strutting over to them. “Hey Percival. How’s it going?” After shaking Percival’s hand, Arthur's hand went straight to Merlin’s. After 15 years of being together, they still were inseparable.

The three chatted for a bit, wading through the small talk. Eventually Morgana and Leon found them. Percival was really confused by them. He believed that they were engaged, but they seemed like the worst pair ever. “Oh my, if it isn’t darling Percy.”

Percival remembered that Gwaine was fairly close to Morgana, and there was a very likely explanation as to where she had picked up that nickname. “It’s Percival. Good to see you, Morgana.”

She laughed, as if he had told a joke. “Sorry, right. Percival.” Percival’s cheeks flushed red and he hoped that she couldn’t read his thoughts, but something told him those hopes were useless.

“We should check on the cake,” Arthur encouraged, pulling at Merlin’s hand. “We will be right back.”

They disappeared into the crowd, and a voice came from behind Percival’s back, over his shoulder. “That is code for they are going to fuck.” Percival shut his eyes and hoped that it wasn’t him, but of course Gwaine pranced around in front of him. “Tell me, Percy, would you like to also check on some cake?”

Morgana, who was still standing next to Percival, laughed. Leon hadn’t said anything yet, and Percival wondered what actually went on in his head. Still chucking, Morgana pulled Leon back into the crowd, leaving Percival alone with Gwaine. Leon followed mechanically, looking back to only quickly wave at Percival before turning to his odd fiance.

“Hey, Gwaine.” Percival looked at his feet, wishing that he had trusted his instincts and stayed home tonight.

Gwaine put a finger under Percival’s chin, lifting it up enough to force Percival to look at him. “Why so sad, Percy?”

“It’s Percival.”

Gwaine feigned ignorance. “Really? Because I distinctly remember you saying it was Percy.”

Percival honestly tried not to laugh, he didn’t want to, but he felt his wall he had built over the past two weeks begin to crack, already. “Whatever. Call me Percy. It kind of works when you say it.”

His face lit up with this. “Oh, baby-doll, you don’t even know.”

_Baby-doll?_ _Really?_ “What?”

Gwaine shrugged. “I don’t know. So what are you doing tonight?”

As much as Percival had told himself he wasn’t going to do this, he probably wasn’t going to enjoy himself any other way tonight. So he enjoyed the sex. It didn’t have to mean anything. And really, who cared what Morgana, or anyone else thought of him? Percival had nothing else going for him at the moment, and Gwaine was interested in pleasing him in at least one aspect of his life. Might as well go for it. Why the fuck not?

 

^_^

 

Percival Lot was easy. Fucking putty, like he was the other night. And he wasn’t even drunk tonight. He had enjoyed the time two weeks ago as much as Gwaine had. Even though he had just arrived, Percival agreed to go back to Gwaine’s place. Percival seemed to be willing, though he had a look on his face that was full of self-loathing. Was sleeping with Gwaine really that demeaning? Was he really the bottom of the barrell?

“We don’t have to go back to my place.” They were already driving to his flat, but Percival had stayed quiet the whole trip so far.

“What?” He looked as if he had just woken up.

Gwaine slowed the car, expecting to u-turn soon. “You just don’t seem that into it. We can go back to the party if you aren’t comfortable.”

“Sorry, no, I’m fine. I just…” He shook his head quickly, like a dog getting out of the water. “Nothing. It’s fine. Keep driving.”

But this only concerned Gwaine more. He pulled over. “Percy, I don’t want to make you do something you aren’t comfortable with. I know I joke a lot, but really, if you aren’t comfortable, we can head back. Don’t feel like you have to do anything you don’t actually want to do.”

Percival didn’t say anything, just looked at Gwaine as if he were speaking a different language. He was silent for a moment then he slowly unbuckled his seatbelt. “This  _ is  _ what I want, Gwaine.” Then he was on top of Gwaine in an instant, making Gwaine forget all about where they were and how awkward car sex could be.

The problem with Gwaine was that he readily showed his enthusiasm and was quick to get their clothes off. Once naked Percival’s grey blue eyes went wide like he was surprised all over again that they were about to have sex. That's what Gwaine liked about Percival, he always seemed astounded that he was capable of doing things, especially intimate things. He'd kiss Gwaine and when Gwaine kissed back Percival would be legitimately confused by the returned favor. Percival was unique and… and fucking hot.

He was a much larger man than Gwaine, not that Gwaine was small by any means, but Percival was bigger. In a lot more ways than just one. He didn't flaunt it either like most men Gwaine had been with that were bigger than him. Percival was shy about his body, and slower to initiate things. Gwaine didn’t have a problem with taking control, but he did appreciate some enthusiasm.

Once Percival was over him, naked and warm, Gwaine couldn’t hold back any more. He had to touch. To feel. Everything. Then Percival started to stroke Gwaine with confidence. The touch came as enough of a surprise that Gwaine literally gasped. “Fuck yeah,” he moaned into Percival’s ear. “Harder,” he begged. Percival obeyed immediately, stroking with a faster rhythm that sent Gwaine’s eyes to the back of his head.

Now, Gwaine had had a lot of sex. A lot. He was in no way innocent or sensitive to this sort of thing, but Percival had a way of touching Gwaine’s dick that made his head spin. Typically, Percival was timid, but in bed, Percival was a whole new person. That was one thing Gwaine loved about sleeping with people, he could understand a different layer of that person. Percival had confidence within him, he just needed a bit of a push to get him there.

Then Percival’s fingers moved to Gwaine’s arse hole, making him moan all over again. He shifted to give Percival better access and began touching Percival himself. Percival’s own dick was hard in Gwaine’s hand, filling it nicely with it's heat. Gwaine could touch it for hours if he were allowed. As Gwaine busied his hands, Percival’s were at work stretching Gwaine. 

Percival’s fingers weren't small, and even one was enough for Gwaine, but he wanted more. Last time Gwaine was on top, but the idea of having Percival inside him was more than ideal. He needed it, and right now it was all he could think about. “Hurry up,” he muttered, trying to sound encouraging and not at all like a needy girl. Percival let out a chuckle and continued his work.

Finally Percival moved Gwaine’s hands away and guided himself inside. God! He hadn’t ever felt so full in all his life. Gwaine wrapped his hands around Percival’s arse, guiding him in further, and encouraging him to move faster. Shutting his eyes, he almost came on the spot. Percival pumped into him, mouth open slightly, making eye contact the whole time.

There was a moment where Gwaine simply appreciated the fact that he was here with Percival in his car. Watching him transform from his tentative self into the man above him now was almost… well, it was something. Gwaine focused again on the pleasure and lost all sentiment he may have been feeling. With a final pump, Percival came inside Gwaine with a grunt. Soon after, Gwaine himself was releasing cum between them.

 

^_^

 

Sleeping with Gwaine again reminded Percival why he had initially agreed to this. The way Gwaine was acting right before lit a new fire under Percival’s motivation to be with him. Gwaine Orkney was being polite. Of all things. It’s not like Percival believed that Gwaine had forced himself on any of his past partners, or anything. But Gwaine was actually asking, several times, if Percival was up for it. It was just something that Percival had not expected. It was a pleasant surprise and so was the car sex.

They were lying in the passenger seat, that had been pushed down across the back seat. Breathless, Gwaine whispered something incoherent about fucking in a car. Percival just smiled at this. He didn’t know why but he was actually just content lying here for a moment. The seat belt buckle dug deep into his back, the upholstery on the seat scratched his naked body, and Gwaine’s elbow was digging into his side, but in spite of all this, Percival was… well, happy.

Percival tried to decide what it was about this situation that was best. It probably didn’t actually have much to do with Gwaine himself. Percival had been shocked at how Gwaine was acting, but this whole thing had more to do with Percival’s own misery more than it had to do with the man lying next to him. What he was feeling right now was a fluke. It was nothing more than post-spontaneous-sex-bliss. But then why did he just want to hug Gwaine for hours?

Gwaine sat up quickly, pulling Percival out of his thoughts. “Damn. That was fantastic.”

Percival didn’t know what to say. He had never been called fantastic before. He smiled as he repositioned himself in the cramped space. “Thanks.”

Before responding, Gwaine leaned in and kissed him. It was slow and passionate. It was nothing like any kiss he had received from Gwaine yet. It was - “Ready to go back?”

Too good to be true. Percival had to remind himself who he kept sleeping with. This wasn’t leading anywhere. This wasn’t the start of a relationship. It was sex. With Gwaine. That’s it. “Yeah, let’s go.” There was nothing to get hopeful about, or read into. It was as simple as could be. And as they drove back, Percival told himself he could be okay with that. It’s not like he actually wanted to date Gwaine anyway; he wasn’t the type Percival could see himself with. Yes, Percival had just mistaken good sex for feelings. There wasn’t actually anything there.


	3. Chapter 3

Fucking Gwen. No, it didn’t have anything to do with Gwen. Why did he cuddle with Percival? Gwaine never cuddled on purpose. Cuddling ment it was intimate. It mean that there were  _ feelings _ involved. No. Not with Percival. The poor sod. Gwaine needed to pull himself together. This wasn’t right. Damnit. Gwaine had cuddled with one person in his life. He had let down his walls  _ one _ time, and that was enough to learn that you don’t fucking cuddle. Ever. It doesn’t lead to anything good.

He pulled back up to the house. Things were still pretty lively at the party, and Gwaine needed to get away from Percival. Percival was too… confusing. Gwaine turned off the car and looked at him for a moment. God, he was fucking beautiful, but that wasn’t what was alluring about him. It was his sad eyes. His demeanor. Gwaine felt sorry for him. So that’s what it was. Pity. Nothing more than pity. Gwaine decided he could be okay with that. He would have to be.

They walked back into the house guiltily. Gwaine knew he had to avoid Morgana, she would know exactly what had happened. She would get inside his head and mess everything up. Things needed to stay simple. He didn’t need Morgana telling him that he was wrong. Percival followed him to the other room.  _ Go fucking interact with other people. _ Gwaine didn’t want to babysit him. But as soon as they entered the room Percival disappeared into the crowd. 

Well good. That’s what Gwaine wanted anyway, wasn’t it? Good fucking riddance. Shit. Gwaine was going insane. He needed to get out of this house. He needed to - 

“Hey, Gwaine! How are you?” God fucking damnit. Gwen had the worst possible timing in the whole god damned universe.

“I’m good, Gwen. How are… things?” Her eyebrows raised; she looked almost concerned, but then her face settled on confusion.

She smiled sweetly. “I’m doing well. I haven’t really seen you around as much lately. What have you been up to?”

"Doing. Things." Gwaine needed to pull himself together. He was actually starting to feel nervous. "I just haven't been around."

She glanced back to where Gwaine noticed Lance was standing. He wanted to be angry, but now that Morgana had accurately assessed the situation, he just felt too tired to hate the guy. "I should get back. It was good to see you, Gwaine."

Gwaine opened his mouth to respond, but no words came. She was in a lovely yellow evening gown, her hair was neatly knotted on top of her head, she looked gorgeous. He wanted to tell her that. "See you around, Guinevere."

She sent him a small wave before retreating back to her boyfriend. Gwaine didn’t feel angry at her. Or at Lancelot even, for that matter. He just felt a longing for that connection he thought he had with her. Past the physical attraction, he thought something else was there.

"What are you doing?" Morgana’s stern voice rang in his ear.

He turned to face his friend. "Nothing. What?"

"Don't do this to yourself, Gwaine," she said, more quietly.

What did she think he was doing? Gwaine didn’t need her to tell him what to do. Nothing was going on, so it didn't even matter. "Do what? I'm not doing anything. She just came over and said hello. That's it. Butt out, witch."

"Alright, Gwaine." But her face stayed the same. The same judgmental face that always told Gwaine she knew exactly what he was thinking.

He crossed his arms. This was really the only move he had, as petty as it was, he had to get Morgana off his back. "I slept with Percival again."

"Really?" Now that confused her.

He didn’t want to keep talking to her. She fucked everything up. And she would ruin what he had with Percival. Whatever the hell that was. "Yeah. And he's great."

"What kind of great? Like: great in the sack, fuck yeah, high-five worthy, great? Or is it that he's great at being an unfortunate rebound?"

But he wasn’t either of those things. Was he? "Are those my two options?"

"Yup," Morgana piped.

"He's just a fuck-buddy."

Her eyes narrowed. "That's all?" Gwaine nodded. "Prove it."

Gwaine decisively stomped away as Morgana watched. He found Percival talking to Lamia, and pulled on his shoulder forcing him to turn around and look at Gwaine. "Give me your phone."

"Okay..."

Gwaine looked back at Morgana and held up Percival’s phone to show her. Then he typed in his phone number and texted himself his address. "That's my number. And my address. Come over anytime. But don't come by before 11. Anything before 11 is dating territory, and we don't want that. We are not dating, we are not friends. It's just about the good stuff. Got it?"

Percival eyed Lamia with red cheeks, then slowly took his phone back from Gwaine. "Got it."

"Glad we are on the same page." Then Gwaine took a breath and turned to face Morgana who was smiling, giving him a golf clap.

 

^_^

 

So Gwaine didn’t want to date Percival? That was what he had expected all along. Maybe he felt something in Gwaine’s car, but it faded quickly. Gwaine couldn’t have been more clear about his intentions. It took Percival a week to take him up on his offer, though. He kept going back and forth about whether or not he actually wanted to have that kind of relationship with someone. Percival had never done the whole “friends with benefits” thing before. He had only had one real relationship, and that was in high-school, so it didn’t really count. Most of his sexual encounters had been casual like this anyhow. Percival just never felt any kind of passion with anyone.

He knew one day he wanted to have something serious. Something like what Lance had found with Gwen, or if he was really lucky, something like what Merlin and Arthur shared. But he would never find someone that would love him like that, would he? That kind of love was rare and magical. Percival could never be so lucky. And if he was, it wouldn’t be for a long while. For now, sleeping with Gwaine would have to do. It wasn’t a relationship, no, but it was something that could fill the void while Percival waited for the real thing.

The first time he went over to Gwaine’s, it was after 11. 11:26 to be exact. Gwaine opened the door in his pajamas and looked too tired to actually perform. But as usual, he did. This was the biggest problem with the arrangement. As much as Percival hated Gwaine, and hated himself for sleeping with him, they had amazing chemistry in bed. It was hands down the best Percival had ever received, and that wasn’t going to be given up so easily.

The second time Gwaine invited Percival over. This time it was after midnight. Percival had to work the next day, but he still agreed. He really just needed an extra boost that week. Gwaine invited him in and offered him wine; they didn’t get right into it like they had the last time. It was a bit awkward at first, but the wine helped, and it didn’t take long before they were in Gwaine’s room.

So for several weeks Percival was at Gwaine’s beck and call. It became a bit of a routine. Something in the background to look forward to in Percival’s otherwise mundane existence. He was never particularly excited about Gwaine, it was always about what he got from Gwaine. Nothing more. But last week was a bit confusing.

For the first time, Gwaine came over to Percival’s. There was no particular reason for this, it was just what was most convenient at that time. It was only 10:45, which was only a technical issue. Percival didn’t believe in these silly rules, but Gwaine did, and he broke one of them. Given, it was only by 15 minutes, so maybe it was a meaningless occurrence. Nonetheless, Gwaine arrived in a nice button down shirt. He smiled at Percival and asked him about his day. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary happened, but the little things kept adding up. Next was the really peculiar thing: Gwaine was following Percival to his room and stopped to look at a picture on Percival's shelf.

“Is this you?” It was his graduation picture.

“Yeah…” Percival started to walk down the hall again, but was stopped by Gwaine’s cooing.

“Aww, you look so cute and chubby. When did you lose all your baby fat?” Except he said it sweetly, as if he legitimately wanted to know.

Percival almost ignored him, but turned hesitantly around. “I um… That was from high-school. I started to bulk up more in college when I started getting serious about football.”

“Oh, you play?” Why was he suddenly interested? They weren’t supposed to be friends. That’s what Gwaine said. They were supposed to be just sleeping together. It had taken a lot for Percival to keep his distance, but Gwaine was making that difficult. Percival hoped that it was a one time thing, because he didn’t know how he felt about Gwaine’s spontaneous kindness.

 

^_^

 

“But then Percival said that he actually didn’t like  _ purple _ grapes, so I had to drive all the way back to the store to get green ones.” Gwaine was having lunch with Morgana, and he didn’t even realize till he finished his story that all she had asked was ‘ _ What have you been up to lately?’ _

She tried to keep back her smile. “Really, now? Tell me more about these grapes.” She placed her hand on her chin and pretended to be overly interested.

“Shut up.” Gwaine went back to his food. “Never mind.”

“Oh my god, you are actually hurt…” She wasn’t mocking him at all, her tone was totally genuine.

“No I’m not.”

She leaned in closer to him, studying his eyes. “Yes you are. Oh my god, Gwaine. I didn’t know you actually liked him.”

“I don’t,” Gwaine protested, far too eagerly. He didn’t like him in the way that Morgana was suggesting. He may have been becoming friends with him -  _ a little _ \- enjoying his company -  _ some _ \- but he didn’t like-like him.

“Where did you get that jacket?” There was no way she was actually that fucking good.

Damnit. “Nowhere.” But she just had to look at him a little longer before he would break. “It’s Percival’s -but he left it at my house, and I had nothing clean left to wear. It’s not like… Shut up. Goddamnit, Morgana.”

“I didn’t say anything.” She leaned back in her chair and popped an olive into her mouth victoriously.

 

^_^

 

“It’s just that I thought Merlin would like to see you, and we could carpool. Nothing weird. I just figured you would want to go.” Percival was on the phone with Gwaine. Things had only gotten more weird the more time they spent together. He was inviting Percival to Arthur and Merlin’s daughter’s birthday party.

“Yeah, nothing weird. Totally understand. What time do you want to meet up?” Percival did what he could to stay casual about this. It had been almost two months of this whole “fuck-buddy” situation, but they had already broken almost every single rule they had put forth.

Gwaine must have been thinking, or something because he took a moment to respond. “How about now?”

“Um… What?”

“Wanna come over?” he asked meekly. It was so incredibly adorable, Percival had to agree.

 

^_^

 

The knock at the door sent Gwaine into a mini-panic. He didn’t know why he was nervous. It was just another booty-call before a completely platonic day tomorrow. When he opened the door he found Percival in a small purple v-neck. He held up a case of beer and had a dumb smile on his face.

“Come in!” Damnit, that was too energetic. Gwaine needed to stop being so weird about this. The arrangement had gotten confusing, but he wanted to keep things where they needed to be. He was just here for sex. No talking. “So did you decide what you are going to do for spring break?” Fuck.

“Not yet, my parents want me to visit them, but I’m not sure if I’ll have the funds to do so.” Who the fuck talks like that?

Gwaine took the beer from Percival, and took out two bottles. “That must be nice to have your parents want to have you come out.” Gwaine was making mindless chatter, he didn’t really realize what he was getting himself into.

“Yeah. It would be good to see them. Where are your parents?” Shit. There was a reason Gwaine specifically avoided the topic of parents.

“Oh. Um… Do you want to put your name on the card?” Percival wouldn’t be pushy enough to press for further explanation. And thank God, because Gwaine was not about to open that can of worms. “Unless you got her something else. But we could just say the train set is from both of us.”

“Sure,” Percival was bewildered, but obliged.

After a few beers, they moved to the couch and started making out. It was nice, but Gwaine wanted to just watch telly with him, or just sit and talk more. Fuck. No. What was he thinking? He should keep making out. That was what Percival had come over for. So the night continued, as it normally did, with mind-blowing sex, then to fall asleep without another word.

Except. “Percival?”

He was in a post-sex daze. “Hm?”

“It was really nice hanging out with you tonight.” Gwaine knew as soon as he had said it that it was a mistake. He knew that things with Percival had already gotten too far. Too complicated. He had gotten himself in deeper than he had ever gone before. Even with Gwen. But Percival was different. Gwaine wanted to spend all his time with him. Yet, he wanted to take it all back. Percival would just leave like everyone else.

“Yeah.” But that was it, then he fell asleep. Maybe Percival really did have a good time, maybe he was just tired. He didn’t say that he didn’t enjoy himself, but something about his response put Gwaine off. It just didn’t feel right. But it was just Gwaine’s luck to want to have something that was out of his reach.

 

^_^

 

Percival was alone on the couch when he woke up the next morning. Gwaine must have slept in his room. Well of course he did. Why would he want to stay on the couch? Though, after last night, this action was a bit surprising.

All of it was. This was starting to feel like it was more than just two people sleeping together. But then again, this was Gwaine Orkney. It  _ was _ just two people sleeping together. Everything that Percival had thought may have meant something was just Gwaine getting lazy about his rules. He did have a good time last night, but it was just because the two of them had gotten to know each other well. Gwaine said they wouldn’t be friends, but they were at least that at this point. So they were “friends with benefits” rather than “fuck-buddies”; same thing really. It didn’t matter.

But it did.

They made breakfast together, and Percival tried to joke to lighten the mood, but Gwaine seemed distant. Maybe he also noticed that they were becoming good friends and wanted to build up that barrier again. Which was fair. He had given Percival strict guidelines. Still, all of it felt out of place.

When they got to Arthur and Merlin’s, everything changed. Gwaine was an entirely new person. Not only had Percival not seen Gwaine interact with Arthur and Merlin outside, during the day, and sober, but Percival had also not seen Gwaine with Charlie and Nim. As soon as they saw him, their faces lit up. They ran to him like he was Father Christmas. And he was just as excited to see them.

He picked up Charlie to wish her a happy birthday, and in a flash Percival had an image of Gwaine holding one of their children. But he brought himself back to reality quickly. That was ridiculous. Gwaine flung the child in the air and caught her again, swinging her to the ground, all while the girl laughed hysterically. It was so sweet Percival thought he would explode.

Some other kids rushed up to Gwaine, interested in the fun he and Charlie were having. Percival was just watching from the other side of the yard when Merlin approached him. “Thanks for coming, Percival. Would you like me to take the gift?” He had forgotten he was holding the present in his hand. The gift that said: “From Uncle Gwaine and Percy”.

“Yeah, sure.” He looked back at Gwaine and realized that this all unintentionally looked like a relationship. And yet, he didn’t mind. Maybe it wasn’t what he had intended, but he didn’t hate the idea of being with Gwaine. Merlin took the present hesitantly and put it on the table with the others. Gwaine looked back at Percival and smiled; he had Nim on his back, and one of Charlie’s friends swinging between his legs. Percival smiled back, realizing that that smile had always brightened up his mood, just a little. Or maybe a lot, depending on how honest Percival was willing to be.

Then Gwaine came back to where Percival was standing. “Did you miss me, babe?” He said energetically, and a little out of breath.

Percival laughed and wrapped Gwaine in his arms. “A little bit.” He looked down at the shorter man in front of him. It was utterly impossible, but somehow Percival had fallen flat on his face for Gwaine Orkney.

 

^_^

 

The party had gone smoothly, considering. Gwaine hadn’t meant to be so affectionate in front of all their friends, but luckily Morgana and Leon were in France, so he didn’t have his best friend to make him feel guilty or uncomfortable about it. As much as he had enjoyed the day, he wished he hadn't. Enjoying a day with Percival meant that feelings were involved. It meant he liked him for more than just his spectacular body. And that just wouldn’t do. That was worse than cuddling.

Percival didn’t go home immediately either; Gwaine didn’t want him to, but he felt that maybe he should send him away before things really started to set in. Gwaine just wanted to forget about Percival. Forget about how he made him feel. Forget about the fact that, despite all his efforts, he actually did want to see him before 11, he did want to be his friend, and he did want to date him. Actual, real-life, adulthood, date him. So Gwaine let him stay.

It had gotten pretty late. Percival stayed for a movie, and then they fooled around for a little bit, then ended up back in Gwaine’s bed. They dozed off, but around five in the morning Gwaine got up to use the bathroom. Percival stopped him with a hand on his wrist. “Hey, where you going?”

“The loo,” Gwaine whispered, sliding Percival’s hand off of him. “I’ll be right back.”

He returned quickly, and as he climbed into bed Percival sat up. “Can I ask you something?”

Gwaine nested himself back under the covers and pulled Percival’s head onto his chest. “Go for it.” They nestled together tenderly for a moment.

Finally Percival spoke, “You called me ‘babe’ today.” Gwaine’s heart froze. He had a feeling he knew where this was going. “We put both our names on a gift for a small child. We spend a lot of our free time together not having sex for being strictly in it for ‘the good stuff’, as you put it. I just…” He sat up and looked at Gwaine in the dim light of the early morning. “Whenever you text me, I don't feel lonely. I am actually excited to see you when we hang out. And today -”

“Today was…” Gwaine began, but he didn’t know why he was interrupting Percival. He was saying all the right things. He was doing what Gwaine had hoped one of them would do for a long time. There was no reason to stop his wonderful words. But Gwaine felt something in him suddenly shut off. 

This was exactly what Gwaine had spent his whole life trying to avoid. He had  _ feelings _ for Percival. Legitimate feelings. If Percival were to… He could leave at anytime. Cause Gwaine actual heart break. No one should have that kind of power over another. Getting attached meant certain pain when they decided to leave. And they always did. He didn’t want to take that chance. It was a mistake to let things get this far, because now he was going to hurt Percival too, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. But to allow himself to  _ be _ with him…

“I’m sorry Percival. We were just having a bit of fun. I didn’t stick to the rules. I should have… I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” Percival croaked. “I didn’t... Yeah. I know that.” He shifted back into bed and stayed quiet for a short time, then he muttered, “You called me ‘Percival’…” Which, for some fucking reason, stung a whole hell of a lot.


	4. Chapter 4

The kids were leaving one by one for the day, each dropping off their homework assignment on Percival’s desk before leaving. It had been a long two days, but they had finally passed, and Monday would soon be over. One last student remained, he was a quiet kid that always took longer to do any task he was assigned. He was packing up slowly, making sure he hadn’t left anything. “Good night, Mr. Lot,” he chirped before leaving.

With an empty classroom, Percival let out a deep breath. He looked at the work in front of him, then at the clock on the wall. He could stay here and work, or go home and try to forget about the awful weekend he had just had. Either way, it was going to be painful to try to focus. He needed to just try to forget. That was best.

“Excuse me, Mr. Lot. Do you have a moment?” The principal for the school was a sad looking fat man. He had a messy beard and terrible posture. He knocked on the open door, despite him already speaking and the fact that it was already open.

“Hello, Mr. Greene. Come in.” The man entered the room slowly and pulled up one of the small chairs facing Percival. He looked even bigger sitting in a fourth grader’s chair. Mr. Greene was overall a nice man, he just seemed worn out. Especially now. “Is there something I can do for you?”

Mr. Greene scratched his greying beard and avoided eye contact with Percival. “There is no easy way to say this, Percival, so I’m just going to come right out and say it. We are being hit hard with budget cuts and we are going to have to let some staff members go.” Before continuing, he looked at Percival, regret and apology in his eyes. Percival knew what he was going to say next. “I’m sorry, Mr. Lot. But the cuts are urgent, and when the students return from spring break we are going to combine the fourth grade classes. Mrs. Emerson will take on your class, and I’m afraid we are going to have to let you go. I’m so sorry Percival, but this is your two weeks notice.”

Percival just nodded. Mr. Greene apologized some more, and tried to explain the situation, but Percival wasn’t really listening. His mind began to wander. It drifted again to where it sometimes went, to that feeling of nostalgia. But this time it wasn’t a made up time in his head, he remembered actually being happy only two days ago at the birthday party. With Gwaine. But now. What did he have? Nothing. Mr. Greene kept talking, as the last thing Percival had to live for faded before his eyes.

 

^_^

 

Gwaine was wrapped up in a blanket on his couch watching telly when there was a knock on the door. He didn’t move to answer it. There was no one he wanted to see. After a moment, some keys rattled on the other side of the door and eventually Morgana opened it. “What are you doing?” He knew he shouldn’t have given her a key.

“Gwaine. Where have you been the past two weeks?” She closed the door behind her then moved in front of the telly defiantly.

Gwaine just covered his head with his blanket. “Leave me alone, Morgana.”

“No.” Neither moved for a moment.

Finally, he broke and pulled the blanket down just far enough to peek at Morgana. She was standing, all her weight on one hip, with her arms crossed. “I’m sick,” he lied.

“Bull shit.”

“No, really. I’m sick.” Gwaine pretended to cough then covered himself up again.

She stomped over to the couch and yanked off the blanket. “You’re not sick. Talk to me. What happened?”

There was no way Gwaine was going to talk about it. Talking about it was going to make it worse. Gwaine just wanted to forget. “Nothing.” Morgana groaned and picked up the remote to turn off the television. “No. Wait. I’m watching it.”

Morgana looked from the screen to Gwaine, then back at the movie that was playing. “Are you fucking serious?  _ No Strings Attached _ ?”

“It's really sad. Emma is pushing Adam away, and Adam just loves her, but Emma is too broken to admit that -”

“This is borderline insanity, Gwaine. Have you really been laying here for two weeks watching romantic comedies?” Again she tried to turn it off, but this time Gwaine tried to physically stop her by attempting to get the remote from her hand.

Gwaine gave up, and let her turn it off. “It’s not a comedy. It’s just sad.”

“This is sad,” Morgana said, gesturing to Gwaine’s entire body.

“I’m sick, remember? Leave me alone.” He pulled the covers over his head again and hoped she would just leave, but he knew she wouldn’t.

She was quiet for a moment then her voice was calm. “Don’t do this to yourself. Just talk to me, Gwaine. What happened?”

“He wanted to date me,” Gwaine spat from under his blanket that was acting as a shield from any of Morgan’s potential judgments. “He was being sweet and wonderful, but he wanted more than I could give him.”

“So you called it off?”

“Yes.” Gwaine sat up and looked at a confused Morgana. “I can’t date someone, Morgana. I can’t… I just can’t.” He flopped on his back and stared at the ceiling.

“Damnit, Gwaine. You are so emotionally constipated. Why couldn’t you just give it a chance? You are doing the same thing you did with Gwen -”

“This is  _ not _ the same as Gwen!” He shot up and glared at her.

She sighed, throwing her hands up. “Yes it is. You actually develop feelings for someone then you freak out and push them away. It’s what you always do.”

“This has nothing to do with Gwen! Gwen was just a crush. I wasn’t in  _ love _ with her!” They both froze. Gwaine’s eyes were huge as he heard his voice echo in his head. Did he really just say that out loud?

He was wondering if he actually meant it when Morgana answered for him. “You love him?”

“No.”

“Holy shit. I didn’t realize...”

He dodged her hand as it was falling to his shoulder. “Please just go, Morgana.”

She looked confused, but mostly hurt. “Why do you always do this?” Her voice was soft. It wasn’t often that she spoke like this, but when she did, Gwaine knew he had to listen. “You push the people who care about you most away. I’ve known you for 12 years, Gwaine, so I know how to deal with you, but not everyone does. And to be honest, 12 years of this shit is getting pretty tiring.”

Gwaine wondered how serious she was with that statement. The thought of losing Morgana as a friend had never crossed his mind. Until now. Why hadn’t he thought of that before? That  _ was _ what he was always scared of, people leaving. But Morgana? No. Morgana had always been a constant in his life. Her family became his when he had none. She was his best friend and the closest thing to a sister - or any family for that matter - he had ever had. “I’m sorry,” he croaked. But that didn’t even begin to encompass the feeling he wanted to convey to her. “I just…”

“I know. Gwaine, I know. Look, you know that I’ll always be here for you, but not everyone is like me and is as fucked up as you are.” She laughed bitterly. “Do you know what I said when Leon told me he loved me for the first time?”

Gwaine let himself chuckle, hoping that the laugh would ease this discussion some. “What did you say?”

“I told him to, and I quote, ‘Stop being a bitch.’” They both laughed a bit, then she continued, more sober, “But seriously. I know how it goes. But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.”

She was soft and sincere. These kinds of moments didn’t normally exist in his friendship with her. They didn’t really exist at all in Gwaine’s world. It was weird. But it was also nice. It was nice that she was still sitting here, still talking him through his problems, even though all he had done was push her away and tell her to leave. “Thanks, Morgana.”

“Shut up,” she sputtered. “Now go put some fucking pants on, and go to work.” He smiled at her, thanking her with his eyes that this conversation didn’t have to last much longer. She really did understand him, but that didn’t change the situation. In fact, now things seemed worse. So Gwaine was an emotionally crippled asshole that was not capable of accepting love. At least now he knew it. And that wasn’t going to bring Percival back.

Morgana pulled him to his feet, and Gwaine looked back at the couch. She was right, he had been laying there for the past two weeks. Two weeks of sulking over a guy he had slept with for two months. Two months of spending too much time with someone that he was only supposed to be sleeping with. And all the time he had been falling for Percival. Fucking Percival. He wondered if he could ever move past this. He wondered if he  _ wanted _ to move past it. Deep down, he knew he didn’t. And even deeper down, he knew he couldn’t.

 

^_^

 

It was his last day at the school. Tomorrow he would officially be unemployed. Percival turned in his last timesheet and switched off the light in the office. He had stayed late, because despite everything, he wanted to finish his work. Plus, he wanted to stay for as long as he could here. Leaving this job had proved to be incredibly difficult.

Percival walked to his car and pulled out his keys. The headlights blinked as he pressed the small button on his remote. By the time he reached his car, Percival was mad. He had been frustrated about losing his job, and even the whole situation with Gwaine had upset him at points throughout the week, but there was still the pressing sadness that just always existed. Always pressing on him like one of those lead vests they slip on you before an x-ray. At this point, Percival didn’t want to feel that way anymore. He was tired of feeling sorry for himself and feeling like he had nothing to live for. So the sadness just shifted to anger, because anger was easier to deal with.

That was it. No more. Lancelot had always told Percival that going out and doing things would help him get over this depression. He never really believed him, but the last thing Percival wanted to do tonight was go home to an empty apartment. He sat in his car, his head on the steering wheel. Maybe he should just watch a movie and call it a night. He could always ask Lance what he was doing, but he’d most likely be with Gwen anyway. Percival’s last option was…

But that was idiotic.

No.

It wasn’t going to be anything more than what it normally was, anyway. It had always been just about impersonal intercourse. So that’s what it would be tonight. He’d even wait till after 11 if he had to. Percival just needed something. Gwaine was like a drug. Being with him was the only thing in the past year that made Percival actually feel alive. Feel anything for that matter. The crush he had formed was long gone at this point.

Or was it?

Yes. It was. Gwaine was a jerk. He had never cared about Percival. And he never could. Just once more, then he’d quit. Because Gwaine could never love Percival in the same way. So it was decided. Just one more meaningless night with Gwaine Orkney. Then he could be though with him entirely.

 

^_^

 

Gwaine shouldn’t have agreed to let him come over. What was Percival thinking? Maybe he was still okay with nothing more than sex with Gwaine. Maybe Gwaine would get a second chance to… but no. Percival clearly didn’t care that Gwaine had turned him down. Obviously Percival had gotten over it, or had never cared in the first place. Why else would he come back to Gwaine so soon?

The sweat seeped into his shirt, as he pulled out some beers for when Percival arrived. Maybe he would start drinking now. After his talk with Morgana, Gwaine wanted to try and prove to himself that he was capable of letting  _ someone _ in. But he had already done that with Morgana, and he had lost his chance with Percival. He was overthinking it. He had done this a million times in the past. Meaningless sex. That’s what Gwaine was good at. That’s what he had taught himself to do well. His skills with designing the inside of a room were miniscule compared to his skills of bedding a stranger and kicking them out immediately after without regret.

But this was no stranger. This was Percival. Percival was terrifying and captivating. He was handsome and meek. He was - there was a knock at the door. Gwaine breathed in and opened it carefully.

There he stood. In the same spot, at roughly the same time of night, that he always stood. Ready for sex. Looking at him, after everything, turned out to be incredibly painful. But Gwaine couldn’t think about that. When Percival stepped into the light, Gwaine noticed something was wrong. There was nothing glaringly obvious that made Gwaine think that, it was mostly just a feeling, but Gwaine was convinced that something was not right.

“Hey, how are you doing?” Gwaine ventured.

Percival just walked past him, into the kitchen. He took one of the beers, hit it on the edge of the counter to open it, and started drinking it quickly. “Fine,” he mumbled and walked toward Gwaine.

Before he knew it, Percival was kissing him. Gwaine pulled away and looked at him with what he hoped was a look that showed he was legitimately concerned. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” 

He grabbed Gwaine’s face and tried to initiate things again, but Gwaine wouldn’t allow it. “Stop, Percy. Are you okay? You don’t look okay… What’s going on?”

“Don’t call me that. And I said ‘nothing’. Are we going to do this or what?” But that just made Gwaine angry.

Maybe he could have done what Morgana always had always done for him, and push a little more, but Gwaine was not Morgana. As much as he wanted to let someone in, it wasn’t going to happen. It was too difficult. Yet he still cared about Percival, and he was standing right in front of him. “What the hell are you doing here, Percival?”

“Trying to have sex with you, which is what I thought we had agreed on. What are  _ you _ doing?” He walked back to the kitchen and grabbed himself another beer.

Gwaine watched him helplessly. “Nevermind. Whatever. I don’t know why I would care anyway.”

“Oh, stop playing victim, Gwaine. You aren’t so innocent.” He chugged down his second beer.

“What the hell does that mean?” Gwaine followed the taller man to the kitchen. “You texted me to come over. What was that all about?”

“Sex!” he screamed. “Like it always is. ‘We are not dating, we are not friends. It's just about the good stuff.’ That’s what you said, wasn’t it?”

“That was before…” Gwaine stopped himself and looked at the man in front of him. He was breathing heavily and towered over Gwaine. He was upset. Truly upset. It seemed like it was deeper than just this argument. Further than just what Gwaine had done. There was a reason he had come over tonight. “I let this go way too far, Percival. Ask anyone, they will tell you I’m crazy. But no one else has made me as crazy as you do.”

Percival watched as Gwaine pulled up a chair. Giving up. He didn’t know where this conversation was heading, but it was going downhill fast. Gwaine didn’t know if he could save it, or how to even try. If he was honest with Percival, that would surely lead to more of… Whatever this feeling was. And it wasn’t good. He couldn’t let Percival in. He just needed to let go.

 

^_^

 

Gwaine rubbed his head and looked at Percival, expecting a response. Percival wanted to ask Gwaine to explain that last comment further. But that would be a mistake. Gwaine was a lost cause. He wasn’t capable of conveying how he truly felt. If he felt anything at all, that is.

“What do you mean? How do I make you crazy?” Percival slowly pulled up a chair and waited. 

Gwaine seemed drained. He didn’t look like himself; he looked like he was scared, which was an emotion Percival had never seen on Gwaine before. “Nevermind,” he breathed. “Just sex, right? Let’s do it.”

There was no need to press any more. That was what he had come for anyway. It didn’t need to be complicated. There was no reason to feel… whatever he was feeling. Percival just wanted to forget. Forget about that conversation. Forget about the past two weeks. The past two months. Everything.

Percival had slept with Gwaine many times, under many circumstances. Each time was different, but usually Percival had an array of emotions to go along with it. But this time was different. This was the first time that Percival felt detached. This was the first time that the sex actually felt meaningless. It was cold and irritable, not at all what Percival had wanted or expected. So then it really was inconsequential copulation. As it had always been for Gwaine, but now Percival was certain that that’s what it was for him too.

Once they were finished, they breathed heavily on Gwaine’s bed, waiting for one of them to talk. They hadn’t said anything to each other since they had started. Now, Percival realized he needed to get out of there as soon as possible before anything was said. Nothing good could come of talking. He just needed to leave. And forget.

“Well. I’d better go.” Percival got out of the bed and slipped on his clothes. Gwaine said nothing. It felt like he was trying to find the words to say something important, but he remained quiet so Percival just ignored him and continued to put on his clothing. “Bye,” he said. With that, he shut the door. Hoping that it would be the last time he would have to see that man again.

He got into his car and started driving. He was being a bit reckless, but the further he drove the less he cared about his driving - or where he was going for that matter. His mind began to race as thoughts started to roll through his head. They snowballed, and one after the other, bad thought after bad thought, they accumulated till they were all pushing hard to try to get out of his head. His breathing intensified; the headlights on the opposite side of the road began to blur.

Nothing had gone right for such a long time. Percival began to wish that he had never met Gwaine. That he had never found a job at that school. That Lance had never made him join that ridiculous group of friends. And that he could somehow get back to that fictional time in his life when he had some resemblance of happiness. But as much as he wanted to, Percival couldn’t think of anything left to live for. Anything that had kept Percival going was fast-fading as he drove down the highway.

All of a sudden, Percival felt a jolt and his head slammed against the steering wheel. He had hit something. Percival tried to gauge the situation, but his vision blurred. He stepped out of the car, a bit dizzy, and realized he had run his car into a pole. He looked around him, not recognizing where he was. He didn’t remember how long he had driven for, but he didn’t really care. He didn’t really care about his car either. Part of him was disappointed that all that had happened was his head hitting the steering wheel.

As blood streamed down his face, Percival realized he was on a bridge. Underneath him was a small river with countless rocks to fall on. He looked up at the sky. Blackness filled the air, overflowing his heart with cold bitter anger. He couldn’t shake this relentless feeling that followed him everywhere he went. No matter what he was doing, where he was, there was always an internal voice telling him he wasn’t good enough, that he wasn’t worth it. Percival just wanted it to end.

Whether it was that he hoped to start anew in the next life, or he just wanted the misery he felt to end in this one, or that he just was feeling nothing at all, Percival climbed the ledge of the bridge. He looked down into the water, uncertain of how far it went. It was dark, and Percival didn’t know how high he would have to be anyway for it to be effective. The blackened ripples of the moving water reflected only the moonlight. Something about the whole situation brought Percival peace. And as he fell, that’s exactly what he felt.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a week since Gwaine had talked to Percival. He tried calling him a few days after they had slept together, but Percival didn’t answer. Gwaine didn’t really know why he was calling, or what he would say, so he couldn’t really blame Percival for not answering. But it still was a bit disappointing to hear the call go to voicemail.

Gwaine was in his office and his secretary had just left for the day. The appointment book was thinning, but Gwaine didn’t mind, he was glad to have some free time coming up. Work had helped to get his mind off things, but Gwaine was ready for a break in the coming weeks. He scrolled through his phone and realized he had missed a call from Arthur.

“Hey, buddy. You called?”

Arthur seemed a bit distracted. Possibly the kids were acting up, or maybe something was going on. “Are you coming to the house this Friday?”

“Was there something going on?” Gwaine was pretty bad at remembering plans he had made in advance. Especially one of Arthur’s parties, he threw so many goddamn parties.

“We were just going to have some people over for St. Patrick’s Day. Did you want to come?”

Gwaine wanted to, but ‘ _some people’_ could include anyone. “Who is going to be there?”

Arthur started to list the regulars, but Gwaine interrupted. “What I mean is… um. Is Percival going to be there?”

“No he -” But Arthur stopped himself short. “Oh, Gwaine, I thought you knew…”

“What?” Arthur had sounded too serious and too worried. It gave Gwaine a feeling of dread that he hoped would fade with Arthur’s next words.

“Maybe you should come over… I think you should hear this in person.”

 

^_^

 

They didn’t expect him to stay for more than four or five days, though it varied depending on circumstances. That’s what they said, anyway. The doctors were nice enough, but Percival didn’t want to talk to them. He just wanted to be left alone. He knew that talking to them would only speed up the process. Maybe he was too embarrassed, or sad, or empty to cooperate. Whatever it was, he just remained quiet. That was something he knew he had control over.

They took away his phone, his clothes, all of his belongings. They locked them up at the front desk and said he would get them back when he went home. But when would he go home? Each day felt even more meaningless here than it did in his regular life. He would wake up everyday in this grey empty room and play with his food. He would listen to a doctor talk to him for an hour, then pretend to read one of the booklets they gave him. They were all full of breathing exercises and ways to stay calm. Percival _knew_ all this, he just didn’t want to _do_ any of it.

He had been in the psych ward for about a week. He had been in the hospital for a few days till his physical wounds healed, and then they sent him here. He should have just lied to them. He should have told them that he fell. Percival didn’t even know why he had done it, really, he just wanted an escape, and that seemed like his only option at the time. It was the only thing that seemed like a good idea. But looking back, Percival wasn’t sure he would do it again.

There was one doctor who was really nice. She had a sweet high-pitched voice that was nearly a squeak. Her red bun always bounced when she walked in the room. Percival wondered if he just talked to her, maybe they could let him go home. But he still didn’t want to talk. He didn’t feel like himself, so he didn’t know how to be honest with anyone. He tried to remember who he was when he did feel like himself, but that just made him feel more sad, which brought him back to the person who jumped from the bridge.

“How are you feeling today?” Red Doctor was sitting across from Percival. They were in her office, but she had no desk, so it felt more like a lounge room.

“Fine,” Percival muttered. “How are you?”

Her red-stained lips parted into a smile, revealing her white teeth. “I’m fine, thank you. I wanted to talk to you today about your personal life. Mind if we start there?”

“No,” Percival croaked.

She smiled again and perked up. “Great. So, tell me Percival, are you in a relationship?”

Now that was a question Percival knew the answer to, but he wanted to tell her about Gwaine for some reason. It would have been nice to have someone to talk to about it. “Not really.”

“Care to explain?” she probed.

Percival took a deep breath in and closed his eyes. “I’ve been sleeping with this guy on and off for nearly three months. He is a total arse, but I am…”  Percival waited, he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to say what was on his mind. He wasn’t even sure if it was true, but he felt that it needed to be said before it died away in his brain and was never admitted. Because even if he could never have the real thing, Percival didn’t want to lie to himself anymore. He was ready to be himself again, and to start that, he needed to be truthful. “I think I’m in love with him.”

 

^_^

 

The linoleum floor was slippery under Gwaine’s feet as he paced the lobby of the hospital. “I’m sorry, sir.” The receptionist came back to the front desk and pulled out her rolling chair. “Unfortunately, I can’t give you any more information. All I can say is that he is here in the hospital, and that his release date is sometime this week. You might want to check with his close friends or family.

Gwaine knew who he had to talk to, but he wasn’t sure if it’d be worth it. Of course it would be worth it to see Percival, but Gwaine wasn’t sure he’d be ready to face Lance. He didn’t really ever hate the guy, but he sure as hell treated him that way. This meeting would be more of an apology than anything, and Gwaine wondered if he could let go of his pride long enough so that he could possibly see Percival. He would have to try.

The ride over to Gwen’s was surprisingly stressful. He wasn’t sure exactly why he was nervous, but he hadn’t taken this drive in a very long time. If Lance wasn’t there, at least he could get his address from Gwen to stop by tomorrow. Gwaine hoped this was not all in vain. It would be irritating to have to go through all this and have Lance not cooperate, or worse, have Percival not want to be seen.

Gwen opened the door as if she were expecting someone else, because her face fell as soon as she saw Gwaine. “What are you doing here?”

“Is Lance here?” Gwaine said in the sweetest voice he could muster.

Gwen narrowed her eyes. “Why do you need to talk to Lancelot?”

Gwaine swallowed hard and tried to sound as nonchalant as possible. “I need to see Percival.”

Her face changed to a genuine soft look of sympathy. Like she knew. Gwaine wondered if Morgana had told her, or if it was just that obvious. Honestly, he hoped for the former. “Come in. I’ll grab him. He was just getting out of the shower.” She disappeared down the hall and called out, “Make yourself at home.”

Gwaine obeyed and sat down on the lumpy old couch. He smiled with the memory that returned to him. He noted that this memory no longer made him sad; it was no longer attached to an anger towards Gwen and Lance. There was a simple peace that came with that memory now.

Lance followed Gwen into the living room. He had on a simple white t-shirt and his hair flopped in his face, fresh from the shower. “Hey there, Gwaine. Can I help you with something?”

His kindness, that normally would have pissed Gwaine off, was welcomed. “I’d like to see Percival.” There was no point in pleasantries, they all knew why he was there and Gwaine wanted answers as soon as possible. “It’s been a week since I heard about the accident and I still don’t even know how he's doing.”

“He’s fine,” Lance said hastily, which Gwaine was grateful for. “He is in the psychiatric ward for the time being, but he will come home with me tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Gwaine blurted abruptly.

“His physical wounds healed pretty quickly.” Lance sat on the couch and Gwen moved to the kitchen. “The fall wasn’t that high, or he got really lucky. Either way, it’s his mental health that has been more concerning than anything. They want to keep him under a 48 hour watch after he returns, and he has decided to stay with me, since he has no family here.”

Gwen returned with two cups of tea, handing one to Lance and the other to Gwaine. "Can I see him?" Gwaine squeaked, realizing the depth of his worry.

Lance took the mug from Gwen, thanking her, then he turned solemnly to Gwaine. “I’m afraid that’s up to Percival.”

“He doesn’t want to see me?” But it wasn’t a question. Everything in Lance’s face showed that he knew. Everything. And he knew that Percival was not going to want to see Gwaine.

Gwaine slouched back into the couch and took the hot mug that was still being held out to him. Gwen sat on the other side of Gwaine, and rubbed his back. He flinched slightly, and shot her a confused look. “Just give him some time to rest. He will come around.”

“No,” Gwaine shouted, standing up and placing the cup of tea on the coffee table. “I don’t want to wait for him to come around. I want to see him!” Gwaine was as shocked as the others at his reaction. He knew he was worried about Percival for the past week, but this kind of emotional reaction was unlike Gwaine. It left his throat tight and tears swelled in his eyes as he looked from Lance to Gwen. “Please. I just need to see him.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Lance stood up and placed a hand on Gwaine’s shoulder.

After the way Gwaine had treated him - always making snide comments, never being polite, or straight up ignoring the man - he was still a comfort. Gwaine closed his eyes, deflated, and said, “thank you,” quietly.

 

^_^

 

Lance’s niece was eight and loved dinosaurs. The room Percival found himself in was covered with dinosaur decals on the wall. He sat on the worn out green and brown comforter that had a t-rex on it. At least it wasn’t the plain grey walls he had become accustomed to over the past few days, and the blanket seemed much softer than the wool ones they had at the hospital. This would be Percival’s home for the next two days, in Lance’s spare room in his flat. Percival wanted to be okay with this, but the pterodactyl on the wall seemed to mock him.

The child’s room and twin sized bed aside, Percival still felt that he was being treated like an infant. No, it was worse than that. Every interaction he had since he left the hospital made him feel as if everyone saw him as weak. Like a porcelain doll, pieced together with tacky glue, that would break at the smallest disturbance. Percival wasn’t weak. He was better than this. He had worked hard on trying to appear strong, physically and emotionally. Percival wasn’t a weakling. But the worst part about it all, Percival was scared that they were right. Maybe he _would_ break at the slightest quake.

It was late in the afternoon, and after coming back from the hospital Percival had not eaten anything. Lance had offered him a sandwich earlier, but Percival just wanted to lie down. After a while, Percival’s stomach caught up with him and was now gurgling from being empty. He pushed himself out of bed and made his way to Lancelot’s kitchen.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Lance said, a bit too perky. He was sitting at his kitchen table, glasses resting at the end of his nose, with a load of paperwork in front of him. Percival never understood why lawyers had so much paperwork to do, but Lancelot never seemed to mind it.

Percival rubbed his head, and pulled up a chair next to his friend. “Fine. I am a bit hungry though. Would you like to order in?”

“Nonsense. Let me cook for you, what would you like?” Lance stood to begin cooking, without waiting for Percival to respond. “Percival, um…” he stammered. “I need to tell you something.”

His voice was shaky, and Percival wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what Lance was going to say. “Go on...”

Lancelot faced him, putting one hand on the counter to hold his weight. “Gwaine stopped by yesterday.”

This surprised Percival more than he could have anticipated. “What did he want?”

“He wants to see you.”

“Oh,” Percival muttered. Did he want to see Gwaine too? What did Gwaine want?

Lance took a step closer. “I think you should see him.”

 

^_^

 

A cold rain fell from the sky. The wind pushed against Gwaine’s soaking clothes. Thankfully, Lance’s flat was inside a nice building. Gwaine was grateful for the heated lobby; though, the steward was probably _not_ grateful for Gwaine’s soggy appearance, and the pools of water forming at his feet. “Lancelot du Lac?” he asked apologetically.

“245,” the steward told him in an airy tone.

The elevator music reminded Gwaine of the offices he was always in as a child. Every social services representative must have shared the same CD, then given it to this apartment complex, because it made Gwaine feel uneasy and scared.

The carpet absorbed the few droplets of water still falling off of Gwaine as he stepped off the elevator on Lance’s floor. He shook a little and pushed back his hair. 245 was at the end of the hallway. Gwaine gathered himself up. Whether it was strength, he was uncertain, but he felt like he was about to do something frightening, and he needed courage for that.

“Hey, Gwaine. Come in. Percival is in his room. Let me just get him.” Lance allowed no time for the small talk Gwaine had wanted desperately to avoid. He was doing Gwaine a favor by getting right to it. Gwaine removed his wet jacket and hung it up in the closet by the door. By the time he removed his damp sneakers, Percival was standing in the middle of the living room. “I’ll leave you two alone,” Lance whispered, excusing himself and leaving the remaining men to just stare at each other for another moment.

He was in a tattered t-shirt and blue pajama pants. Somehow he looked smaller, yet stronger. There was a big white bandage over his forehead and his arm was in a sling. His face seemed as if it were angry, but the rest of him seem more like it was begging for support. Gwaine took a few wordless steps towards him. He didn’t move, just watched Gwaine. They stood for another moment, in silence, arms distance apart.

“Hello,” Gwaine finally managed to say.

Percival nodded. “What are you doing here?” he asked sadly.

“I needed to make sure you were all right.”

“Well, you have. I’m fine.” His words were telling Gwaine to leave, but he was still standing there.

Gwaine released a sigh. “Okay, Percival. Have it your way. I can just leave and never speak to you again. Is that what you want? Because if that’s what you really truly want,” Gwaine stepped closer to look the taller man in the eye, “then I’ll leave. But if you tell me right now to stay then I’ll stay and tell you what I came here to say.”

“What did you come here to say?” he asked meekly.

“Do you want me to stay?” Gwaine challenged, crossing his arms.

Percival shifted uncomfortably. “Yes,” he admitted mildly.

“Good.” Gwaine moved to the couch and waited for Percival to figure out that he was expected to follow.

Percival sat then let out an unexpected laugh. “You are the first person who hasn’t coddled me since I left the hospital.”

He wasn’t looking at Gwaine. “You don’t need to be coddled, Percival. You are not weak. In fact, I think you’ve been very brave.”

“Brave?” he asked suddenly, looking up at Gwaine.

Gwaine nodded assuredly. “Of course. You faced your demons head on and look at you, you’ve come out on top.”

He scoffed. “I wouldn’t say ‘on top’. Just unsuccessful.”

For a second Gwaine thought through the past week’s events and realized the possibility that this was not some impulsive decision. Percival had been dealing with this for some time. How had Gwaine not seen it before? He suddenly felt personally responsible, for some reason. “Percy…” Gwaine breathed.

This made Percival give him a look that was more sad than anything. “Gwaine, what did you come here for?”

Filling his lungs with air, Gwaine filled his mind with all the reasons why he was so fucking thankful that Percival was still here. He reminded himself of the torturous week he had just endured not knowing if he would ever see this man again. He thought of Gwen, about how she made him feel, and how it was such a small feeling compared to what he felt for Percival. He pondered his mother whom he never knew and how she had never loved him. Gwaine considered the foster parents that had never wanted to adopt him. And he reflected on Morgana and how loyal she had always been. All of these thoughts led him to realize that in spite of everything the only thing he had left to do was try. Put it all in and hope for the best. Life had made things difficult for Gwaine, but nothing seemed so dark when sitting in the light of Percy.

“Three months ago I thought I knew myself. I thought I would never, well, love. I spent the past time with you trying to force down this growing feeling, not realizing what you had been doing to me. But Percival Lot, I fucking love you.” Percival’s eye widened, his mouth ajar slightly. Gwaine continued, “Percy, it’s always been you. I should have said something sooner but I was too fucked up to realize what I was pushing away. And I am so goddamn grateful that you are still here so I can tell you this. So, if it isn’t too late, Percy, please, accept my apology.”

Percival just stared at him for a moment and waited for him to continue. Gwaine tried to stop the tremor in his hand by fumbling with this thumbs. Then, Percival took Gwaine’s head and pulled it towards him eagerly. It felt like a first kiss, unexpected and nerve racking. When he pulled away, he was smiling. It was the first time Gwaine had seen him smile in a very long time. He had missed that smile and he never wanted to see it fade ever again.

 

^_^

 

“So I take that as an accepted apology?” Gwaine asked innocently. Percival had not known what to expect when he walked through Lance’s door, but now that Gwaine had said everything Percival had wanted him to say, he realized he had no response.

“Of course,” he started. Percival had only just admitted to his therapist how he truly felt about Gwaine, even admitting it to himself was odd. Now that Gwaine had laid everything out, it felt so obvious, no other explanation could be given. “You are a bit of a mess, you know that?” Percival finally asked.

“Yeah,” Gwaine agreed.

Percival scooted closer to him on the couch. “But I know how hard that was for you to say. And I am so happy you did. You have been the only thing keeping me going for a really long time. I know that’s pretty corny, but it’s true, and I wouldn’t have wanted it to be anyone other than you, Gwaine Orkney. And well, I fucking love you too.”

A wave of relief fell upon Gwaine’s face. He smiled childishly, like he had just won the spelling bee. “Say it again.”

“What?” But Gwaine just waited. “I love you.” Percival finally conceded. “You ass.”

“My ass?” He looked behind him as if he had forgotten it was there.

Percival laughed stupidly. “Shut up and kiss me.” Gwaine quickly obliged.

Unknowingly Percival had gotten himself into a mess of a situation with Gwaine. It had been around and up and down. There were points when Percival thought he truly hated him, but in all the confusion and uncertainty in Gwaine - and in Percival’s whole life for that matter - one thing remained clear: Percival didn’t want to be in a world without Gwaine.


	6. Chapter 6

It seemed weird putting a label on things. Percival had been “fuck-buddy number 46” for some time and Gwaine hated that label. But “boyfriend” sounded too predictable. Gwaine had asked if he could call Percy “bum-fucker for life” but that didn’t go over too well. It didn’t really matter what word was used to describe what they had, as long as Percival was the subject of the label, Gwaine didn’t really mind what they were. So boyfriends it was. And nothing could have made Gwaine happier.

Two weeks had passed since Gwaine had seen him at Lance’s. Only a week of being “official” but Gwaine knew he had something special. He had never been in a comfortable honest relationship before. Not just a sexual relationship, but a relationship with anyone. Even with Morgana, most of the time they were just fighting or calling each other dipshits.

But things with Percival were real, tangible, and new. Every moment felt like he was meeting Percival for the first time, and had known him his whole life, all at once. When Percival entered the room, Gwaine thought that his day had only just begun. It was scary, unexplored territory, but it was exciting to trek it. Gwaine didn’t want to let Percival go. He had searched his whole life for someone to give him meaning, someone to love him as much as he did them, and now that he had finally found that, he hoped that it would never fade.

They were invited out to celebrate Cenred’s promotion, but Gwaine didn’t really care about that. It was an excuse to go out though, and Gwaine decided to make the best of it. He called Morgana a few days before and told her his plan for the evening. They were going to be at a karaoke bar and Gwaine couldn’t help but make a fool of himself every chance he got. Morgana thought he was acting stupid, but Gwaine didn’t give a shit. He had already made up his mind.

The night finally came and Gwaine bounced around the bar waiting for his name to be called. Percival was in a tight pink button up shirt, and his big arms were visible, peeking out from under his rolled up sleeves. Gwaine had tried to dress up nice, but not too nice; he didn’t want Percival to guess what was coming. Finally, the announcer called Gwaine to the stage; he took the microphone theatrically and looked into the audience.

“This one’s for my boyfriend, Percy.”

 

^_^

 

It was the first time he had actually introduced Percival as his boyfriend. They had talked about the word, but Gwaine had always shied away from it. Percival didn’t press it upon him, but apparently it had sunk in. It was nice to hear aloud. The next thing out of his mouth, however, was not as nice. “ _Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?_ ”

Percival just laughed and shook his head, hoping this wasn’t going where he thought it was going. But it was Gwaine, so of course it was. “ _Do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under? Screams but no one seems to hear a thing. Do you know that there's still a chance for you. 'Cause there's a spark in you?_ ”

Gwaine held out the mic, and the crowd joined in, “ _You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine, just own the night like the 4th of July!_ ” The embarrassment and laughter came all at once in a burst. It was too much. Gwaine was dancing like an idiot, waving his hands and thrusting dramatically.

“ _'Cause, baby, you're a firework! Come on, show 'em what you're worth. Make 'em go_...”

Then the crowd chimed in again, helping him out, " _Aah, aah, aah!_ "

By the second verse Percival thought maybe he was annoyed, but as Gwaine started dancing again he couldn’t help but crack up. Then Gwaine jumped off the stage and brought with him the spotlight. He stood right in front of Percival and sang to him with a completely straight face. _“Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road. Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow, and when it's time you'll know.”_ The song faded and Gwaine stopped singing.

Percival shook his head and looked around the room: all his and Gwaine’s friends were in a giant circle around the pair of them. They were all looking expectantly at them, Percival with his cheeks burning from embarrassment, and Gwaine still out of breath. Percival looked back at Gwaine who was on one knee now, in front of him and Percival’s smile dropped off his face.

“I’ve made a lot of bad decision in my life. I’ve fucked up a lot of good things because I was too scared to accept them -”

“What are you doing?” Percival interrupted, but Gwaine kept talking.

“But somehow I ended up lucky enough to have you in my life. You’re still here, despite all the shit I put you through. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re less than fucking perfect, Percy.”

“Gwaine,” Percival started but was cut off again by Gwaine.

“Percival Lot, will you please marry me?” He pulled out a box from his pocket and the karaoke bar started to fill with excited chatter. Percival’s heart raced. He looked from Gwaine to his friends. Lance was nodding at him in approval. Merlin’s hands were clasped together and he was leaning into Arthur. Morgana just had her arms crossed and looked bored. Percival looked again at the man in front of him. He wanted to agree, but it had only been two weeks.

Everything was perfect, the Gwaine kneeling before him now was a totally different person than the Gwaine he had met at the bar nearly four months ago. This Gwaine was affectionate and spontaneous, he was loving and caring, and it was terrifying. What if Gwaine went back to being the person he was before? What if this was just a fleeting thought that would fade as soon as Gwaine wanted to move on? But maybe not. Then again, Percival still didn’t have his own life together. He still had no job and was broke and was still going to therapy three times a week. There were a million reasons why Percival wanted to say yes, but there were a million more pressing reasons for him to say no.

“Gwaine… Can we talk outside?”

 

^_^

 

The bar went quiet, even the music stopped entirely. Gwaine, still rushing with adrenaline, had trouble processing what Percival had just said. He was actually expecting him to say ‘yes’. Suddenly, Gwaine felt foolish. He looked at himself, kneeling like a jackass in a bar proposing to a man he had dated for two weeks. Percival helped him up and Gwaine shamefully followed him out of the bar.

It was quieter outside, save for the cars rushing past on the nearby roadway. Percival looked despondent, but he had no reason to be. “Gwaine I -”

“Just say it,” Gwaine spat. He didn’t want a drawn out speech, he wanted an answer. Clearly it wasn’t going to be the answer he had wanted, so what was the use of listening to the bullshit?

Percival looked hurt and confused. “What the hell? Can I speak?”

“Just fucking say it!” Gwaine’s voice broke and he turned away, hoping to fight back the tears welling up.

He felt a familiar warm, strong hand on his shoulder, making Gwaine shudder with anger and sadness. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make a scene in there. Look, Gwaine it’s not that I don’t want to be with you -”

“That’s exactly what it is.” Gwaine gathered up his emotions and did what he did best with them; buried them deep. “You don’t want to be with me forever, so what’s the point of all this?”

“It’s been two weeks! I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, let alone a life-time from now. I just need to think, Gwaine.” Percival was calm and collected. Gwaine didn’t know what he was supposed to do.

“Then think.”

“Does it have to be all or nothing?” he whispered pathetically.

Gwaine started to walk away. “Yes.” Percival called after him, but Gwaine let the words fall dead on the ground. It was a fucking mistake. All of it. He never should have let himself fall for someone. He never should have put himself entirely into a relationship. What’s worse is he learned his lesson before. With Gwen, with every foster parent, and with his mother. No one really wanted Gwaine. No one would stand up and tell him he was worth it. It was futile to think that Percival would be the exception to the rule.

 

^_^

 

Percival tried calling him all day, but he wouldn't answer. His secretary said he was in meetings, but Percival knew he didn’t take meetings on Saturdays. Gwaine was fragile, Percival knew that, but this was insane. He had proposed to him! That was major. Yet, somehow it made sense. Gwaine hadn’t been in a relationship before on purpose. He was terrified of letting himself feel vulnerable. Without warning, a life-time of pent up emotions flooded out of him. Neither had expected it, and Percival had reacted exactly wrong.

Yes, it would have been insane to agree to marry him after only actually dating for two weeks. But they had been falling for each other long before that. It wasn't like they had to actually get married right away either, Gwaine just needed a promise. And Percival had broken that trust that he had fought so hard to get. Gwaine was like dynamite, dangerous and unpredictable, but if Percival was a firework, then together they could make beauty from any explosion.

Maybe it was crazy, but that was just what Gwaine was, and Percival needed a little bit of crazy in his life. Without Gwaine, there was nothing but a grey stillness. Being with Gwaine brought life back to Percival, meaning back to his existence. No matter what, even if it meant acting like a fool, Percival knew he needed to be with Gwaine.

 

^_^

 

Luckily Gwaine’s secretary was a good liar. He didn’t know what he was feeling, but he knew talking to Percival certainly wouldn’t help. Gwaine walked slowly to his apartment building. There wasn’t anything waiting for him at home except a half eaten carton of ice cream. He had no reason to rush, plus he just wanted to sulk in self pity for a little bit longer.

Gwaine rounded the street corner to the entrance of his building. He watched the sidewalk and followed the path up to his steps… There he sat, looking as handsome as ever. His short brown hair looked lighter in the sun. Gwaine stopped in his tracks. As much as he wanted to run away, his feet remained still, cemented to the ground. Percival stood up slowly and just looked at Gwaine, who refused to speak first. The man could have stopped traffic with those eyes.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He took a few steps closer. “You can’t get rid of me, Gwaine. If that is the equivalent of a proposal, then yes I’ll fucking marry you. But I’d be damned if I let you go. I’m not going to give up on you that easily.”

For his whole life, Gwaine had never thought anyone would utter those words to him. Percival was still standing there, as unmoving and strong as he always was. Finally Gwaine realized why he had fallen so hard for this man; he always came back and gave Gwaine a second chance. He was relentless and persistent, but that’s exactly what Gwaine needed. Even in his own life, Percival had faced so much, and still managed to come out the other side, resilient. He was the steady rock Gwaine had been searching for his whole life while drifting aimlessly. ‘ _I’m not going anywhere_.’ He had meant it, and Gwaine believed it. “Fucking hell. Percy, what am I going to do with you?”

Percival just smiled and ran to Gwaine. “I’m sure we can think of something.”

A smile pushed through onto Gwaine’s face as he jumped up and wrapped his arms around the taller man in front of him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered quietly, but Percival just lifted his chin with a finger and shook his head.

“Don’t be. I don’t want to be without you, Gwaine. I shouldn’t have let you go.”

Gwaine gave a blasé laugh. “You better not ever do that again.”

“I won’t,” he promised before he kissed Gwaine. That’s when Gwaine realized it didn’t matter if they were called boyfriends, fiancés, fuck-buddies, or even bum-fuckers for life, it was all meaningless. They were simply Gwaine and Percival, and that was going to get them through a whole hell of a lot.

  
^_^

**Author's Note:**

> For a story that is not focused on Merlin and Arthur, I worked REALLY hard on this and I am very proud. This is a gift for Natasha, who ships Gwaine/Percival above the other knights. It was supposed to be a surprise, but it never ended up staying secret. ;) Originally, the story followed a set of songs that reminded us of them, but we took out the direct quotes from the lyrics. If you want the track listing, we can add it on.


End file.
